Can a date with your spouse make up for domestic violence? Can a marriage marred with a struggle for power and control be saved by going on a date? According to a recent report from CBS Miami, one judge thinks it can.
Now, let me be clear. I’m not a legal scholar. Nor do I know all the facts in the case. I only know what was reported in the article – just like most others. And that’s what worries me. Here’s why.
The judge in the case decided that this particular occasion of domestic violence was sufficiently mild that it was his judgement that the husband should be required to take his wife on a date to a local restaurant complete with clean clothes and flowers. I love common-sense justice and at that level was intrigued by the non-traditional sentence.
But having worked as a therapist with victims of domestic violence, I’m concerned about what this judgement communicates to others. You see, spousal abuse is about much more than a man who hits his wife and then needs to say ‘I’m sorry’ in an elaborate way. In fact, what the judge has just required this husband to do is played out over and over in abusive relationships. The abuser acts out (physically, verbally, emotionally). Then the abuser feels bad about it…maybe the victim even threatens to leave. Then the abuser apologizes and tries to “make up for it.” Often the abuser promises never to do it again. Then after some period, the abuser does it again. The cycle can be short or long – it can happen several times a day or take years to play out. But the point is…it is a pattern.
Was the judge wrong in the case in Miami? Maybe not. I don’t really know all the facts. But the message communicated to any other abuser is this: “keep going the way you are…you’re doing it right!” And that’s a veritable injustice.
Photo by Thomas Hawk used under Creative Commons License