Every family has problems. That’s no surprise. And there are basically two outcomes: things (and the family) either get better or they don’t. That’s basically no surprise either. But what makes up a family problem? What helps families recover from problems? And what factors keep a family stuck? I’ll take a look at those questions across three blog entries, starting in this post with what makes up a family problem.

Ingredients of a Family Problem

What makes a “problem” something that becomes problematic to a family? Every family faces difficult situations. Perhaps an extended family member acts in ways that are detrimental. Or perhaps a wife and mother loses her job. Maybe a husband becomes depressed. The possibilities and combinations of “problems” are endless. But there is a process by which “problems” become family problems – they disrupt the healthy functioning of the family. According to research by Dallos and Hamilton-Brown (2000), five core ingredients contribute to family problems:

• Limited explanations

  Often as a problem is developing, families experience a sense of “not knowing what to think.”  It can feel chaotic.  They collectively cast about, looking for plausible explanations and trying to make sense of what’s happening by making some kind of meaning out of it.  Early on, families’ perspectives are maleable, sometimes shifting very quickly.

• Feeling alone

  Parents who don’t know where to turn – who don’t have family, friends, or professionals who recognize the significance of their problem and help provide explanations and meanings – end up feeling alone.  They become emotionally exhausted.  Without outside help to gain perspective, they start seeking to validate their early explanations of the problem – whether they are correct or not.  As a result, the early explanations of the “problems” become part of the problem!

• Blaming self

  Parents begin to doubt their parenting skills and beliefs.  They conclude that they must have made a huge mistake to end up where they are.  Their doubts are not limited to the scope of the current problem – it can become all-encompassing to them as parents.

• Insecure parenting

  Which of us had perfect parents?  Raise your hand.  Oh, right…that’s none of us.  So at the end of the day, we’re all at least a little insecure with our own parenting.  Most of us have said at least once of our own childhood, “when I’m a parent, I’ll never….”  Well, when “problems” become problems, one of the common factors is a distinct lack of confidence about parenting based on the models one saw growing up.  Often, parents know what they don’t want to do or be as parents much more than they know what they do want.  This lack of confidence can contribute to a deteriorating situation because the insecure parent starts to overcompensate in ways that hurt rather than help.

• Lack of spare emotional capacity

  A final ingredient is the fact that in the face of a variety of pressures, the family – particularly the parents – are emotionally drained.  The result is that when new “problems” are added, the family expresses a rigidity that keeps them from exploring alternate explanations.

Whisk ingredients together in a bowl and preheat the oven – this is a good description of how significant problems for the family can be made.  But how do some families rebound?  In my next blog post, I will take a look at the factors that keep some families stuck, while in my third post on this topic, I will highlight the factors that help other families heal.

Related Posts:
1. How Family problems Develop
2. How Family Problems Get Worse

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography used under Creative Commons License
Source:
Dallos, R., & Hamilton-Brown, L. (2000). Pathways to problems-an exploratory study of how problems evolve vs dissolve in families. Journal of Family Therapy, 22(4), 375.